responding to Beth's comment:
I was wondering what it would feel like to learn compassion and caring from someone you can't trust. Seems more than a little challenging.
I can't really explain that one, but I'll give you my impressions. As far back as I can remember, I knew my mother couldn't be trusted. I don't remember anyone actually saying that to me, just something in my little kids brain said she's your mom, but take what she says/does with a grain of salt. When I ended up living with her again after several years of living with my grandparents, I was old enough to understand that she needed to be taken care of. The men my mother lived with (and often married) were also alcoholics, and most of them were physically abusive towards her. Not so much towards me, though I took some verbal abuse and the occasional smack, but after a night of drinking arguments would ensue, then the inevitable physical fighting would commence. Once it was over I would emerge from the woodwork and do the cleanup... ice packs, bandages, etc. Of course, everyone was sorry the next day and would promise that it would never happen again, etc. Even as a child you don't need to have too many promises broken before you figure out that words are cheap.
I guess that among the anger and disillusionment that I felt, I also realized that the drinking itself was a sickness. At the time I wasn't aware that my mother was manic depressive, and in fact she was never diagnosed with a mental illness. Looking back however, I can see her up and down cycles, how when she was having a good day/week things were always at an extreme high, then as she would cycle down off that high the drinking and depressive behavior would set in. She often began the verbal and physical abuse herself, pushing her current spouse until they were raging.
So, I felt sorry for her. I didn't "like" her, per se, but she was my mother and I felt responsible for taking care of her. That's where the glimmerings of the caring and compassion came into play. I will admit that as soon as I found the chance to escape and move back to the Seattle area with my grandmother I promptly left without a backward glance. As I got older, I kept in contact with her. My family and I drove to South Dakota and helped her pack up and move to Eastern Washington, and while she lived there we visited every few months. We would talk on the phone at least weekly and I found that with that distance I could deal with her drinking honestly, telling her that I didn't like it and encouraging her to stop. She never did, but at least I was able to voice my opinion and let her know how I felt.
She passed away in 1995 from complications of a septic bowel. Though I miss her in some respects, I can't honestly say that I miss the drama and the constant stress of worrying about her. I spent a few years feeling guilty because of that, but I've managed to move beyond the guilt (or at least I think I have!).
I think that those experiences allow me to feel compassion rather than exasperation for those with drug or alcohol issues. I realize that there are usually underlying reasons for dependence and I don't find myself judging them for their actions. Maybe I'm just grateful that I only have to take care of them for 8 hours at a time, rather than dealing with tehm on a daily basis like I did with my mother! I do know that I have much empathy with their families as I really do understand the situations they are living through.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Week 3
What was I like as a child?
Physically- allergies. That's what I remember! I was allergic to almost everything...couldn't even play out in the grass without breaking out in hives. Other than that I was pretty healthy. I had the usual childhood illnesses, plus surgery on my ears and then I had my appendix out when I was 10 or so.
Mentally- I was always a smart child. (smart mouthed I'm sure some would say!) I could read well by the time I was 3 and I always got good grades in school.
Emotionally- lost. My mother was an alcoholic and while I did live with her on and off, I also spent time living with my grandparents and an assortment of aunts and uncles.
Spiritually- my grandparents always took me to church and Sunday school while I lived with them. When I lived with my mother during grade school I used to "surf" churches on Sunday... one Sunday I'd go to the Lutheran church, the next week Methodist, the next week Catholic, etc. This gave me a smattering of understanding of all the major religious brands found in the Midwest.
Where did I live and what was it like?
I was born in California and lived there for 18 months. Obviously I have no recollections of that! At 18 months my grandparents stepped in and brought me to live with them in Seattle. We lived in a fairly large house in North Seattle/Shoreline. I remember the back yard being HUGE, but when I drive by the house now the yard is pretty standard... but my grandparents filled it with swingsets, monkey bars, slides, even a playhouse. It was fully fenced and a great place to play. When my mother came back into my life, we moved to Tacoma, then to South Dakota where I lived in various small towns and on farms for 5 years. It was very hot in the summer and cold in the winter, but all in all it was a good place for a child without much supervision. Crime was very low there and as kids we would spend entire days outside. Around 7th grade I moved back to the Northwest and have lived as far north as Smokey Point and as far south as Enumclaw.
Who were the important people in my life?
My grandparents, particularly my grandmother, and my sister.
Why were these people important to you?
My grandparents were important to me because they were my rocks in the swirling seas of my mothers alcoholism. My sister was important to me because she was family... we had been separated when I was 18 months old. I lived with our grandparents, she was eventually adopted from my mother by my mothers brother and his wife.
What other influences were important in your childhood?
I couldn't help but be influenced by my mothers alcoholism. She was not a bad person, but in retrospect I believe she suffered from bipolar disorder which was compounded by drinking. She was married 9 times, with 4 of those marriages happening during the 5 years I lived with her. I decided at a very young age that drinking would not play a part in my life, and that many people were not to be trusted. I still struggle with the trust issue, though I am happy to say that I've never had a drinking problem!
What were some of the rules for living I learned?
From my grandparents I learned that by working hard you can get the material things that you want and to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. They also instilled in me the idea that I could be whatever I wanted to be, if I only tried hard enough. From my mother I learned not to trust, but I also learned compassion and caring.
Why did I want to become a nurse?
Sadly enough, I don't have one of those "I've wanted to be a nurse since I was a small child" stories! As a teenager I wanted to be a doctor, but that didn't work out. I spent 16 years working in business before I was laid off, and then spent a couple of years being a stay at home mom. I started to get bored and decided I would go back to school, with the idea of becoming a radiology tech. Once I was in school I discovered that the waiting list for the radiology tech program was very long so I looked at my options and ended up applying to nursing school.
Who were some of the important people in my life during my professional education?
Dr. Elliott Stearn. Elliott was my Anatomy and Physiology instructor at EVCC. I don't know how he does it, but he simply inspires his students to be the best they can be. My husband was also vital to my success in nursing school. He not only supported me and my children financially, but he poured a lot of effort into becoming my one man cheering squad when my stress levels would build up! Without his love and support I don't think I could have made it through nursing school. Last, but certainly not least was my grandmother. She was very proud of the fact that I was going to school and she never hesitated to praise me and reassure me that I would finish school and be a great nurse. Unfortunately she passed away just a couple of weeks before I started my final quarter of nursing school.
What is important now in your practice and the ways you choose to work?
One thing that is important to me is that I do a thorough and competent job while at work. Errors will happen, I know that, but I want to make sure that I learn from my mistakes so they don't happen again. What I think is most important to me is that I convey to all my patients the fact that I really do care about them and what they are going through while they are in my care. I feel that patient advocacy is probably the most vital component of being a nurse. Many of my elderly patients don't realize that they have options, such as the right to refuse a treatment if they so choose. They also tend to feel helpless, and by giving them choices I feel that I am giving them back a measure of control over their situation.
What, if any, childhood rules for living have been transferred into your adult work life?
The number one I think is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I treat my patients the way that I would like to be treated were I in the hospital. I give them respect and I do everything I in my power to convey to them that I care about their situation. If they ask for something, I do my utmost to make sure they get it in a prompt manner. I enter their room with a smile and I give out hugs if they seem to be needed. Reflected in that is also the compassion and caring I learned from taking care of my mother all those years ago. Even if someone is in the hospital because of their own actions, (smokers with COPD, alcoholics with hepatic encephalopathy), they deserve to be treated with caring and respect, just like anyone else.
Physically- allergies. That's what I remember! I was allergic to almost everything...couldn't even play out in the grass without breaking out in hives. Other than that I was pretty healthy. I had the usual childhood illnesses, plus surgery on my ears and then I had my appendix out when I was 10 or so.
Mentally- I was always a smart child. (smart mouthed I'm sure some would say!) I could read well by the time I was 3 and I always got good grades in school.
Emotionally- lost. My mother was an alcoholic and while I did live with her on and off, I also spent time living with my grandparents and an assortment of aunts and uncles.
Spiritually- my grandparents always took me to church and Sunday school while I lived with them. When I lived with my mother during grade school I used to "surf" churches on Sunday... one Sunday I'd go to the Lutheran church, the next week Methodist, the next week Catholic, etc. This gave me a smattering of understanding of all the major religious brands found in the Midwest.
Where did I live and what was it like?
I was born in California and lived there for 18 months. Obviously I have no recollections of that! At 18 months my grandparents stepped in and brought me to live with them in Seattle. We lived in a fairly large house in North Seattle/Shoreline. I remember the back yard being HUGE, but when I drive by the house now the yard is pretty standard... but my grandparents filled it with swingsets, monkey bars, slides, even a playhouse. It was fully fenced and a great place to play. When my mother came back into my life, we moved to Tacoma, then to South Dakota where I lived in various small towns and on farms for 5 years. It was very hot in the summer and cold in the winter, but all in all it was a good place for a child without much supervision. Crime was very low there and as kids we would spend entire days outside. Around 7th grade I moved back to the Northwest and have lived as far north as Smokey Point and as far south as Enumclaw.
Who were the important people in my life?
My grandparents, particularly my grandmother, and my sister.
Why were these people important to you?
My grandparents were important to me because they were my rocks in the swirling seas of my mothers alcoholism. My sister was important to me because she was family... we had been separated when I was 18 months old. I lived with our grandparents, she was eventually adopted from my mother by my mothers brother and his wife.
What other influences were important in your childhood?
I couldn't help but be influenced by my mothers alcoholism. She was not a bad person, but in retrospect I believe she suffered from bipolar disorder which was compounded by drinking. She was married 9 times, with 4 of those marriages happening during the 5 years I lived with her. I decided at a very young age that drinking would not play a part in my life, and that many people were not to be trusted. I still struggle with the trust issue, though I am happy to say that I've never had a drinking problem!
What were some of the rules for living I learned?
From my grandparents I learned that by working hard you can get the material things that you want and to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. They also instilled in me the idea that I could be whatever I wanted to be, if I only tried hard enough. From my mother I learned not to trust, but I also learned compassion and caring.
Why did I want to become a nurse?
Sadly enough, I don't have one of those "I've wanted to be a nurse since I was a small child" stories! As a teenager I wanted to be a doctor, but that didn't work out. I spent 16 years working in business before I was laid off, and then spent a couple of years being a stay at home mom. I started to get bored and decided I would go back to school, with the idea of becoming a radiology tech. Once I was in school I discovered that the waiting list for the radiology tech program was very long so I looked at my options and ended up applying to nursing school.
Who were some of the important people in my life during my professional education?
Dr. Elliott Stearn. Elliott was my Anatomy and Physiology instructor at EVCC. I don't know how he does it, but he simply inspires his students to be the best they can be. My husband was also vital to my success in nursing school. He not only supported me and my children financially, but he poured a lot of effort into becoming my one man cheering squad when my stress levels would build up! Without his love and support I don't think I could have made it through nursing school. Last, but certainly not least was my grandmother. She was very proud of the fact that I was going to school and she never hesitated to praise me and reassure me that I would finish school and be a great nurse. Unfortunately she passed away just a couple of weeks before I started my final quarter of nursing school.
What is important now in your practice and the ways you choose to work?
One thing that is important to me is that I do a thorough and competent job while at work. Errors will happen, I know that, but I want to make sure that I learn from my mistakes so they don't happen again. What I think is most important to me is that I convey to all my patients the fact that I really do care about them and what they are going through while they are in my care. I feel that patient advocacy is probably the most vital component of being a nurse. Many of my elderly patients don't realize that they have options, such as the right to refuse a treatment if they so choose. They also tend to feel helpless, and by giving them choices I feel that I am giving them back a measure of control over their situation.
What, if any, childhood rules for living have been transferred into your adult work life?
The number one I think is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I treat my patients the way that I would like to be treated were I in the hospital. I give them respect and I do everything I in my power to convey to them that I care about their situation. If they ask for something, I do my utmost to make sure they get it in a prompt manner. I enter their room with a smile and I give out hugs if they seem to be needed. Reflected in that is also the compassion and caring I learned from taking care of my mother all those years ago. Even if someone is in the hospital because of their own actions, (smokers with COPD, alcoholics with hepatic encephalopathy), they deserve to be treated with caring and respect, just like anyone else.
Week 2
What causes me the most stress at work?Hmm... not enough staff/time to do a GOOD job. I have found that working nights means it's feast or famine. I either have a few patients and plenty of time to get everything done, or tons of patients and not enough time to complete the basic tasks, much less spend any time forging a bond with my patients!
Why is that stressful?
Let's see... How can I really feel that I'm making a difference for my patients if I can't even remember their names? When I am so rushed that I don't have the 5 minutes it takes to just visit with a lonely older patient? When I am so concerned with getting my charting done so that I can clock out on time and not be "counseled" about working unauthorized overtime? That's why not enough staff/time makes me stressed.
How does my body feel when I am stressed?
Not so good! When I am stressed or unhappy I tend to eat. Another minus to working nights is that we are a closeknit group (its a plus and a minus... bear with me!). We all like to share and many nights someone will bring food in... chips, cookies, crackers, fruit, candy, etc. If I'm having a particularly bad night every time I walk by the food I'm stuffing more into my mouth, and it moves directly onto my hips/belly. Now, you might say "just don't walk by it!" but since it's usually right at the nursing station and I have to move it aside to get to my patients charts.... it isn't so easy to avoid!
Another thing that happens to my body when I'm stressed is diarrhea. Yes, I know this is TMI, but Beth asked!!!! Any particularly bad night at work will see me dashing for the bottle of Immodium the minute I get home. You know you have a problem when you're buying the 96 count bottles of Immodium at the drugstore!!
What kinds of things can I do to care for myself?
Obviously the best thing I could do would be to exercise, but that happens all too rarely. I do enjoy crafts like sewing, quilting, spinning yarn and knitting and all of those are great stress relievers. I also read a LOT (like > 4-5 books per week) and escaping into stories is a stress reliever I can't do without. I also vent to my husband (and sometimes my kids) and just getting my feelings off my chest often helps a lot. I imagine that this blog will allow me to vent and free those feelings also, and that might relieve some stress from my husband. We'll see how that works out in the weeks ahead!
Why is that stressful?
Let's see... How can I really feel that I'm making a difference for my patients if I can't even remember their names? When I am so rushed that I don't have the 5 minutes it takes to just visit with a lonely older patient? When I am so concerned with getting my charting done so that I can clock out on time and not be "counseled" about working unauthorized overtime? That's why not enough staff/time makes me stressed.
How does my body feel when I am stressed?
Not so good! When I am stressed or unhappy I tend to eat. Another minus to working nights is that we are a closeknit group (its a plus and a minus... bear with me!). We all like to share and many nights someone will bring food in... chips, cookies, crackers, fruit, candy, etc. If I'm having a particularly bad night every time I walk by the food I'm stuffing more into my mouth, and it moves directly onto my hips/belly. Now, you might say "just don't walk by it!" but since it's usually right at the nursing station and I have to move it aside to get to my patients charts.... it isn't so easy to avoid!
Another thing that happens to my body when I'm stressed is diarrhea. Yes, I know this is TMI, but Beth asked!!!! Any particularly bad night at work will see me dashing for the bottle of Immodium the minute I get home. You know you have a problem when you're buying the 96 count bottles of Immodium at the drugstore!!
What kinds of things can I do to care for myself?
Obviously the best thing I could do would be to exercise, but that happens all too rarely. I do enjoy crafts like sewing, quilting, spinning yarn and knitting and all of those are great stress relievers. I also read a LOT (like > 4-5 books per week) and escaping into stories is a stress reliever I can't do without. I also vent to my husband (and sometimes my kids) and just getting my feelings off my chest often helps a lot. I imagine that this blog will allow me to vent and free those feelings also, and that might relieve some stress from my husband. We'll see how that works out in the weeks ahead!
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